Art for Art’s Sake

I thought I could do it, you know, when the time came. I really did.

I mean, I been a model cop for fourteen years now. Hell, I aced every training class I ever took. I been in every situation I could possibly be in except this but I guess nothin’ really prepares you for the day you have to pull the trigger. I mean, I went over this in my head a thousand times, in a thousand different scenarios and this wasn’t all that different from what I’d imagined but it was different. This was real. This was a real kid. God, how old was he 20? 21? Who knows?

C’mon, open your eyes. Open your eyes. Let everybody know you’re gonna be okay. Everybody wants you to be okay. Just open your eyes.

God, it seems like years ago already, I can’t believe it’s only been a few days. I can still see his face. That was a face as hard and old and cold as anything I ever saw but he was so young at the same time. Christ, my Brit’s almost his age.

C’mon, move a finger. Open your eyes. Do something to let everbody know you’re okay.

How does that happen? I mean, you raise your kids to be the best. I mean, there’s no manual but you kinda know, and lord knows everybody and their brother gives you advice, and you put it all together and they mostly turn out okay. And I thank God every damn day that my kids turned out alright. I mean, you know, you have a bump here or there; you have little setbacks; little disapointments; but mostly everything works out and sometimes they do something that makes you so proud you just want to explode.

Just open one eye. Wiggle your toes. C’mon, everything’s gonna be okay.

I mean, his parents couldn’t be that different than Janey and me. It’s not like you raise your kid to be a bad apple. You certainly don’t raise your kid to be like that. Where did they go wrong? Or did they? Did they do anything different than Janey or I woulda done? How does it all fall apart like that? God, what the hell would I do if one a’ my kids turned out like that? I mean, you can’t not love your kids. Their your kids for Christ sake but how do you love a monster like that? But who knows? I guess he’s not all monster I mean, who is really? But he sure seemed about as cold blooded as they come.

C’mon, wake up. You know you wanna wake up.

And now whadda you do? I mean your kids on the run ’cause he shot a cop. And it ain’t like there’s any question, hell there had to be what, 10? 15 witnesses? Wadda you do if he shows up at home? Do you hide him out? Could I hide Chris if he’d done something like that? God, I don’t even wanna think about that.

I just wanna wake up. I just wanna tell everybody I’m gonna be okay. C’mon, open your eyes. Just open your damn eyes.