Art for Art’s Sake

You have to understand that I’m as much an enigma to myself as I am to you. I don’t understand what makes me tick. I really have no idea why I do the things I do.

Even this conversation we’re having right now doesn’t seem real to me. It’s kinda like I’m sitting in another part of the room watching me talk to you. My whole life is like that. It’s like I have no control over what I do. I’m a passive observer of my own life.

Not that I don’t accept responsibility for my actions. On the contrary, I’m a firm believer in personal responsibility. That fact often has me cringing when I watch myself doing something that I know will get me in trouble. It’s my bed; I made it; and I’ll lie in it but believe me, it’s awfully damn frustrating when I see myself doing something stupid and I can see the consequences but I just go on doing it anyway. It makes me want to scream at myself to stop but it’s like I can’t open my mouth. Inside I’m screaming at myself to stop but outside I just keep right on keepin’ on ya’ know?

That said, I didn’t have anything to do with killing that girl. Trust me, I’d tell you if I did, though, I guess I can’t rightly be a witness for myself. I would have seen the whole thing and I’d be the first to admit that I deserved everything I’d get for doing it but I didn’t do it. I just found her there. Hell, I got there two minutes before those boys showed up and accused me. I mean you gotta see. She was a bloody mess and I was clean as a hounds tooth when them boys seen me. Hell, I’d a’ probably ran if I’d done it. Instead I stuck around ’til you guys showed up and arrested me.

Look at me. How the heck could I be this clean if I beat that girl into a bloody mess like that. Whoever did that’d be covered in blood. I mean, I’m no angel and I’m not sure I could say that I wouldn’t have done something like that. Hell, you wouldn’t have that thick file on me you keep paging through if I wasn’t a bit of a troublemaker. All I can tell you for sure is that I didn’t do this one. Not that you’ve got any reason to believe me but, again, I’d tell you if I did.